Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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