If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
