My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
