i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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