White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
