Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
