I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize