I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
