Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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