There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
