and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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