what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize