I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
