Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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