there's paper in my vomit.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Randomize
