She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
