What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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