I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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