i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
well you can't waste a boner
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
