walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
