I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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