you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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