i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
