You're completely useless in the revolution.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
