i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
