xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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