Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
