i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
