i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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