You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
