I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
