Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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