worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
