Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
