Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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