my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize