I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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