Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize