Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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