my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
