Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
