Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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