dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
