Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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