I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize