theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I FOUND THE LEGS
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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