[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
