i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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