You can't motorboat a personality
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
