i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
