Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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