If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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