fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
