I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
