Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
