I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
