fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
